Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
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I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA