*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
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The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole