I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
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Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I put the hot in psychotic.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.