Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
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Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Weighing up my bread heating options
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers