her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
You Might Also Like
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
They’re the worst 😩
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.