If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
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Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”