Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
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Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace