[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
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I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.