School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
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.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me