Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
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*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I am all good here, 😂😉
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
what’s really going on
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing