I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
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[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
jesus christ confetti not now
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.