I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
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“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*