(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
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Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Love is in the air fryer.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel