my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
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Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍