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“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
decorating my apartment
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
same vibe as tangled headphones
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?