Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
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I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice