“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
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Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?