Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
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Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship