911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
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if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
These work great until they don’t.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
No Google it does not
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Boom, boom, ching!
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests