wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
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I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten