I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
You Might Also Like
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
bought wrong eggs
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Saving my good tweets for marriage
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this