Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
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“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
cats when you pet them too long:
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you