[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
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Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”