I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
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replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
This is a whole mood;
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know