Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
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please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Breaking news:
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.