It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
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Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!