I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
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Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!