YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
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women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.