did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
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He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
A tragic love story in two pictures.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami