My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You Might Also Like
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Autocorrect completely socks
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I just tested negative for patience.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again