Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
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Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.