just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
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The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Me as a therapist: omg same
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.