Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
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Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one