From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
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Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.