Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
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Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.