HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
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Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Shoo shoo! 😂
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
dogs can find happiness so easily
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee