A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
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selfie game
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Cndnsd Mlk
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.