I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
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No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Not all heroes wear capes.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”