“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
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Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself