Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
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probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Support your local cemetery
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*