I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
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My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
This is amazing.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
why I oughta
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.