“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
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5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
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[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
The Birdles
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.