“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
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[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
When you’ve simply given up.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.