I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
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You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
When you’re here for the treats.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.