Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
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Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Just ordered me some pizza!
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.