ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
You Might Also Like
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Breaking news:
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?