BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
You Might Also Like
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon