Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
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*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi