A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
These work great until they don’t.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.