Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
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Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night